Only the Lonely -- Part III

If you are lonely, you’re in good company.

 

I don’t mean to sound glib about such a personal issue. But in this third blog on the topic, I think it’s important to keep in mind that all of us go through periods of loneliness due to unavoidable circumstances in our lives. Relatives or friends move away. We are traveling on business. We have an argument and our lunch partner avoids us. We’re so busy at work we have no time to talk. Or, more profoundly, a spouse passes away. Loneliness and grief can be a strong double punch.

 

These are normal occurrences and should not cause us to feel anxiety over feeling lonely. That would be self-defeating. The real problems come not when we lose a friend, but when we no longer have a friend to lose. Today, it seems, many people are in that situation in our nation, with 25% percent of survey respondents saying that they have no one close with whom they can talk about personal matters.

 

I think it is fair to say that the high divorce rate has much to do with this fact. When a family breaks up, so do the lines of communication. Spouses no longer talk and may become suspicious of new commitments. Children close in on themselves and grow wary of love and trust. True feelings are suppressed.

 

With up to half of marriages ending in divorce, and almost everyone being touched by the breakups in some way, a swath of separation has cut through our nation, and the seeming silence about it comes from the fact that we are not supposed to notice broken marriages for fear of offending. Or else we are prone to think that divorce is normal or at least acceptable.

 

Another cause of loneliness may be our culture’s focus on sexual relationships. How’s your love life? The message is that if you’re not sexually gratified with one or more partners, you are not really living. But there are many other forms of gratifying and satisfying relationships that don’t involve sex or thoughts of sex, even between men and women, even between spouses. With all attention on one area, the wholesomeness of everyday friendships and the joys of simple laughter can be missed.

 

Then there’s the hyper-sexualization of popular media and the internet, through which anyone can receive a physical thrill in the solitude of his or her living room, and wind up feeling even lonelier by bedtime.

 

This is not meant to be a self-help or advice column, but the Catholic Church does offer some insights on the issue. After all, as the Second Vatican Council declared, the Church is “an expert in humanity.”

 

We begin by citing the age-old wisdom dating back to Aristotle and baptized by Augustine and others through the centuries; that is, man is a social creature. In our day, Pope John Paul II developed a whole thesis on the social nature of mankind, based on his reading of the first chapters of Genesis and a common sense observation of human nature. It is called “Theology of the Body.” He writes that all humans are meant for communion, a sacred interrelation, and that the only adequate response to the person (made in the image of God) is love.

 

(Those who are rolling their eyes and thinking get real, should try reading the Fathers for Good article "Love -- It's a Guy Thing.")

 

To fully realize his or her potential, a person must be in relationship with others. We do not fully know ourselves or our capacities without feedback from others. This is evident in the cooing love between a mother and her child, and it holds true in various ways at different stages of our lives.

 

Rugged individualists we may be, yet we cannot escape what I call the “interpersonal imperative.” We care what other people think, know and say about us and to us. I need you to become fully me.

 

Yet, as we know, things can go wrong as we live out the interpersonal imperative. Miscommunications, misunderstandings, misanthropic attitudes, envy, anger, greed, lust and the other Seven Deadly Sins intrude into what we want to be an edenic garden of sharing of caring.

 

We know what can go wrong, and what has gone wrong, in our own lives. We know the broken homes, the bad blood, the bitter regrets.

 

Think: who are the true friends in my life? Who lifts me up, moves me forward, offers a reflection, a suggestion, or even a correction?

 

If you can’t think of anyone that open and that trustworthy in your life, don’t panic. The Incarnation of Christ has changed the whole landscape of relationships, a topic we will discuss next time. We are not locked in loneliness -- there's a way, there's a voice.

We will also look at the qualities I mentioned in my last blog that can open up or reopen avenues of friendship: trust, love and forgiveness.

 

I have received much feedback on this blog on loneliness, and am persuaded to keep the conversation going, with Part IV to come.

Comments

[Leonard Wolff]

Fathers who refuse to pray regularly with their family at home and at church are spiritual wimps, and they are very ignorant of the Culture of Death! Pope John Paul II coined that phrase, and it is a very accurate description of the sinfulness of modern man. www.prayforourleaders.com

[Leonard Wolff]

Prayer works when all else fails! When we pray, God works! There is strength in numbers, and Weekly Family Nights can gather large numbers of people to pray together in a beautiful way in every local parish. The family that prays together stays together! Prayer or World War III? That is your choice!

[Leonard Wolff]

True Friends help one another to get to heaven. "Be very careful whom you choose as your friends. You become what they are." Help everyone to become HOLY with WEEKLY FRIDAY FAMILY NIGHTS IN EVERY PARISH POSSIBLE. Please visit www.prayforourleaders.com and www.nationalrosarycrusade.com and www.cenaclesoflife.org

[elena maria vidal]

What excellent articles! I hope you do not mind if I link to them on my blog, Mr. Caulfield.

[Val]

Where do you meet people in today's world? The cities are too big and impersonal, the suburbs are too separated, everyone in their own gardens, the churches are not interested in getting people together. Work is too hectic and you don't want to date a coworker. Where do you find friends never mind a spouse? Bring back the matchmakers!!

[Jerome M]

Keep up the good work. People are lonely because they don't want to know any one else with a different opinion.

[Barry]

Good Work Brian!!

[Lassiter]

I like your three blogs on loneliness -- don't get me wrong. But maybe you could take a course in 'how to end a blog topic gracefully.' I'm afraid you may go on forever.