Fathers For Good

My Son the Priest?

People today tend to think that parents who discourage vocations are a new thing. But in the 13th century, the family of Thomas Aquinas went so far as to kidnap him and lure him with a prostitute (as the story goes) so he would abandon the mendicant Dominican order and take his rightful inheritance.

Indeed, fathers and mothers have been against “losing” their offspring to the Church for any number of reasons. For some it may be the desire to pass on the family name, for others it is family status or the fear that their child will be unhappy with celibacy. Parents generally want what is best for their children, or at least what they think is best for them.

Yet with this Sunday designated as World Day of Prayer for Vocations, it is time for us parents to put away our own ideas for our kids and pick up our rosary beads as we hand their futures over to God. He is the Father who truly knows what’s best for them.

The theme of this year’s World Day of Prayer is “Proposing Vocations in the Local Church.” In his letter for the occasion, Pope Benedict XVI writes, “It is essential that the local Church become more sensitive and attentive to the pastoral care of vocations, helping children and young people in particular at every level of family, parish and associations … to grow into a genuine and affectionate friendship with the Lord… ‘Proposing Vocations in the Local Church’ means having the courage, through an attentive and suitable concern for vocations, to point out this challenging way of following Christ which, because it is so rich in meaning, is capable of engaging the whole of one’s life.”

The Holy Father makes it clear that vocations are the work of the parish and the work of the family. We should not force young people into a vocation but “propose” in a way that is authentic and convincing on the intellectual, spiritual and emotional levels. Given the silence about vocations in so many parishes and families these days, we all have a lot of work to do.

As father to two boys, I am keenly aware of the pope’s challenge. My 10-year-old talks about being a spy or CIA agent, and I say great. My 6-year-old would love to be a fireman – great again. The older one has never expressed interest in priesthood, or even in joining a bunch of his buddies who are altar boys. The younger one seems open to the call but wants to do something daring and heroic, and the life that he sees of the parish priest doesn’t appear to fit the description.

How do I, and my wife, “propose” vocations to them? We send them to a good Catholic school, we bring them to Sunday Mass, and we pray for them, saying out loud, “If God calls one or both of our boys to the priesthood, we pray that they will respond with generous hearts.”

The Knights of Columbus has plenty of vocations materials to help families bring the possibility of priesthood and religious life into the home and parish. In one booklet, a seminarian who will be ordained this year asks a probing question: “We ask boys and young men if they want to be a policeman or a fireman or a doctor. Why not ask them if they want to be a priest?”

It can all start with one simple question.

The 'Friday' Video and Lent

By now you may have seen or heard about the YouTube viral video of the young teen singing her repetitive pop tune “Friday,” which has logged some 100 million internet hits in a few short weeks, and still counting. When I first saw the video, I thought it was a clever spoof on how inane pop music has become, with mind-numbing rap tempos and listless lyrics saying that today is Friday and tomorrow is Saturday and then comes Sunday – the sort of learning curve my youngest son followed in preschool. But apparently the song is not a spoof and kids are taking it seriously.

True, the music of the young is often disdained by their elders. I can recall my parents’ raised-eyebrow disapproval upon hearing the “Yeah, yeah, yeah” of the Beatles in the early 1960s, but at least the song “She Loves You” followed the traditional pattern of Western storytelling, starting with a problem (“You think you’ve lost your love”), a conflict (“She said you hurt her so”) and a resolution (“Apologize to her”). In contrast, the “Friday” video has no story, no personal conflict outside of the young people choosing “which seat can I take” and no resolution. The message is “Party … Party … Party…Yeah!”

I find it interesting that the video began to gain traction on YouTube on March 11, the first Friday of Lent. Throughout these 40 days, the “Friday” video has been amassing “hits” and serving as a sort of shadow negative to the Lenten message of fasting, abstinence and almsgiving. The YouTube teens are coiffed and scrubbed to perfection while they parade for one another in fancy cars, glamorous clothes, palatial homes and glittering ballrooms – with no apparent adult supervision.

Where in this scenario is there room for Lent? Fasting vs. fast cars. Abstinence vs. indulgence. Almsgiving vs. conspicuous consumption. Self-examination vs. self-absorption. Given these choices, what would most teens – or your teen – choose?

A common response of parents to the challenges of our culture is to say that you can’t keep kids in a bubble or protect them from every danger. While it’s true that bubble wrapping your youngsters is bad for their moral growth, you also don’t want to send them out in a thunderstorm without a raincoat. And right now the culture is pouring upon our children, and much of what is falling is like acid rain.

I admit that the juvenile “Friday” song is an easy target for parents, and it’s more a reflection of the culture than a destructive agent. After viewing the video for a few internet minutes, you may feel as though you’ve been smeared with soda pop and bubble gum, but no serious damage has been done to the soul. True music will survive this minimal assault, no matter how many more millions view it.

Yet the super-viral video is part of a larger media trend that is undermining the values that most parents – especially religious ones – seek to transmit to their children. With Holy Week upon us, we parents should assess the messages our kids are receiving from us and from the culture. What will we do – or what can we undo – to give our children the proper moral and religious foundation? In the popular idiom of our day, “Which seat will I take?”

 

 

 

The Daddy Factor

You’re a daddy!

The first time a man hears these words from his wife, his heart soars and his mind fills with dreams of the future. Suddenly this guy who tended to think that it’s all about him, or all about his job, is struck with some noble ideas about protecting his wife – the Mother of His Child – and providing for this little one in the womb. He has a stake in the future and no sacrifice seems too large.

This is very much how I felt when my wife came to my office unexpectedly one day to present me with a baby rattle. I was clueless. After 18 months of married life trying to have a child, I thought, maybe my wife was losing it. But when she shook the rattle (I can still hear the sound) and said, “You’re a daddy,” I lost it. We hugged. I cried. No man on earth was happier. We still have the baby rattle – along with two growing boys, ages 10 and 6.

When the Feast of the Annunciation was approaching last week, I decided to ask men if they recalled when they first heard their own fatherhood news from their wives and what they thought and felt on the occasion. I sent out word through the Fathers for Good email and Facebook network and have received a fair number of responses – some of them quite moving, all of them deeply heartfelt and personal. If you think that men don’t “share” or have deep feelings about their wives and children, you need to read these comments on the Fathers for Good website. (http://www.fathersforgood.org/ffg/en/big_four/first_heard_dad.html)

Some are just flat-out funny: “I ran to her and slipped on the kitchen floor, smashing my head on the table. Groggy and dizzy, I crawled to the bathroom and she was crying tears of joy. Then she told me I was a father.”

Others comments come straight from “Guy Land,” like the husband who heard that his wife was pregnant and ran out to buy the baby a #18 Peyton Manning jersey!

Most are filled with faith: “I was thrilled to find out I was to be a father each time my wife told me to expect another one. There is this feeling of being a co-creator of something wonderful and mysterious. I thank God even now for my five children and ten grandchildren, each one with a separate but wonderful personality.”

Many tell a story of initial infertility and the joy of finally conceiving, like the tall, burly man who had been told he and his wife could not conceive. When the good news finally came, and his wife called him, “I lost it right there.” He “cried like a baby” with happiness.

Some stories express a fear of miscarriage: After an “unsuccessful first pregnancy, we were both filled with hope and trepidation with the second one,” a father wrote. He went with his wife to most of the prenatal check-ups and said the birth of his “little man” was a blessing and an answer to prayers.

There are also stories of adoption, with the father feeling every bit as joyful as the other dads when he gets the news that a baby is waiting for him and his wife.

There is a place in every man’s heart reserved for the joy of fatherhood. It would be good for all of us dads to think back to that moment when our wives broke the news, and see if we still approach our children (no matter their age) with the same joy and wonder as we did when we first heard they were conceived.

Brian Caulfield is editor of the website Fathers for Good, an initiative by the Knights of Columbus that features regular articles, videos and other multimedia on the subject of Christian fatherhood. A father of two young boys, Brian writes on the spiritual truths found in daily life and the issues men face while striving to live out their vocation.

 

Men Together for Christ

There is a revolution taking place among men in America. It is strong yet silent, based on prayer, confession and conversion, yet it is destined to have a large impact on the Catholic Church.

I am speaking about the many Catholic men’s conferences that are cropping up in dioceses around the country, with attendance from a few hundred to 2,000 men who are out to deepen their faith or reconnect with it. Boston, Springfield, New York, Newark, Syracuse, Buffalo, Philadelphia, Baltimore, St. Louis, Chicago, Phoenix, Los Angeles … the list of cities where these conferences have been held is long and continues to grow.

Over the weekend, I was part of the first Charlotte Catholic Men’s Conference in the North Carolina city. It was a great event, with about 700 men attending, a staggering number that took even the organizers by surprise. They were hoping for 400-500 when they started planning last year. But Charlotte’s Bishop Peter Jugis got behind the event and promoted it in the parishes, and he offered Mass at the event and even spent a few hours hearing confessions.

The conference organizers from the Knights of Columbus Council 770 had contacted me a year earlier to share thoughts on how to stage the event. A core team of young, vibrant and committed Catholic Knights handled the details, publicity and finances of the event. I counted myself fortunate to be consulted in their plans, since they used the Fathers for Good website, which I edit, as an inspiration and a model for the conference. I was privileged to meet the team for the first time on Friday night, and to help them set up tables and chairs the night before at Charlotte Catholic High School.

Council 770 was founded in the early 1900s, the first K of C council in North Carolina, at a time when the South was not too friendly to Catholics. Today, the council has a dynamic mix of young and older Knights who work together and respect each other’s contributions, under the leadership of Grand Knight Jason Murphy, who is 37 years old.

It was also inspiring to see a long line of men waiting at 7:30 on Saturday morning for the doors of the high school to be opened before the scheduled registration time. It was an indication of the hunger and enthusiasm that they brought to the event. And the event justified their excitement.

The theme of the event was "Being a True Catholic Man," and the featured speaker was Father Larry Richards, a Pennsylvania pastor who touches men’s hearts with his direct, no-nonsense style. He challenges men to step up to be the spiritual leaders of their families, to protect and serve their wives and children, and to go to Mass and confession. Spirituality has been softened in recent decades and men have fallen away, he says. Men need to take up their rosaries and look to the masculine examples of Jesus and the Apostles to find their true calling within the Church.

The other featured speaker was Frederick Berretta, who was on the crippled plane that landed safely in the Hudson River two years ago. His book, Flight of Faith, recounts his experience, which he related to the rapt Charlotte audience. He had been returning to his Catholic faith when the fateful flight took place, and now he sees in the experience evidence of God’s love and providence.

Already, the organizers from Council 770 are planning for about 1,500 to attend next year and looking for a larger venue.

All of the men’s conferences have received the same enthusiastic response from the men who attend. At a time when surveys show that a significantly greater number of women than men go to Sunday Mass, and when men get the message from the culture that their unique masculine virtues are not as valued as in the past, conferences like these are greatly needed. Many men leave surprised by just how much they got out of sharing a few hours with other men within the context of the Catholic faith. At Charlotte, a common comment was heard: "When is the next one?"

 

Chocolate from the Heart

Calling all husbands: Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. What are you giving your wife?

For many of us, that thought means panic. Chocolate, flowers, earrings, bracelets, heart-shaped pendants, heart-shaped anything? All this stuff that guys know so little about.

What’s really in a woman’s heart?

 

You may have moved beyond the novice mistake of expecting to find beautiful, long-stemmed roses at the florist shop on the way home on February 14th (that was my first Valentine shock – all the bunches were wrapped and ready for other guys to pick up).

But twelve years later, Valentine’s Day still throws me into a shade of panic, and my first response is to get a bit self-righteous.

Why do women need these outward signs of affection, after all? She’ll know I love her even if I don’t get her something. Why did that early Christian martyr St. Valentine have to be killed on February 14th (which in medieval lore was the day that birds started mating) and take the place of Cupid in our popular imagination?

Then I remember: love makes the effort.

 

Even if I don’t get the best gift, even if the flowers are not the color she likes or the earrings are not the kind she will wear, I will put my heart in my hand and offer it to my wife through my gift. I will make the effort, take the risk, be the man she married.

I will offer her Chocolate from the Heart. Whatever gift I give, it will be from the heart.

Cor ad cor loquitur is the traditional Catholic formula. "Heart speaks to heart." The model is Christ and his disciple, in an intimate dialogue based on love, trust and honesty. Yet a husband is called to be a model of Christ to his wife. Remember St. Paul: "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church, and gave himself for her" (Eph 5:25).  

With this perspective, each St. Valentine’s Day is a reliving of the moment I proposed to my wife. As I give the gift from the heart on February 14th, I am open, vulnerable, offering my love for consideration, not sure if my beloved will accept it with the intensity that I intend.

After so many years, there is some routine to the ritual of gift-giving, and there are two children now to watch, and to learn. When I express love to my wife in this way, it can serve as a model for my boys on how to treat a woman. I am conscious (most times) of setting a good example.

 

But even as I go through what may seem like a routine each year at this time, there is still that mystery of self and other, that reaching across the open space to the heart of the beloved. Each time, as the gift is given, there is another year of life and love behind us, and shades of heartache and disappointment. I say with my gift – after these many years of marriage, and the more you know about me, for better and for worse, will you still receive this gift, which is my own self, into your heart?

It is a revelation, a spark of new life, the retelling of a long story of love, when my wife says with a smile, a whisper or a kiss that the answer is "yes."

So, husbands, you may panic and perspire this Valentine’s Day as you think of what to get her. Think of it as a good thing that you still care enough to worry if you wife will accept you, and that she still cares enough to accept.

Bishops Talk Chastity

The Canadian bishops have jumped right to the heart of our sexualized culture with a pastoral letter on a topic that has rarely been breathed about from the pulpit or in the schools: chastity for young people.

How quaint, some may say.

Yet there are indications that youth today are open to the chastity message, after seeing the ruin that premarital sex has made of so many lives – an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancies, abortion and mistrust of commitment. Today, chastity may just be the kind of countercultural message that kids are looking for. It can be presented as the ultimate way to "die for the one you love," while remaining alive.

The "Pastoral Letter to Young People on Chastity" was released January 27th by the Commission for Doctrine of the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops (CCCB). It does not draw much from the popular idiom or hip phrases that some chastity speakers use, those who reference the street language and music of youth.

Rather, the pastoral letter presents human sexuality as an adult topic that young people need to be initiated into. The opening words set the tone: "Living a life of chastity is an ongoing journey which requires both guidance and encouragement." The Canadian bishops will provide "some words of direction and support" for the difficult task of remaining chaste in a culture of temptation.

The letter draws from traditional Church teaching and the sections on chastity and purity found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. The body is the "temple of the Holy Spirit." Sexuality is "a gift from God and a fundamental part of what makes us human." The virtue of chastity "involves the integration of the powers of love and life placed in us." Chastity is "difficult for everyone: single, married or consecrated."

There are few concessions to youthful exuberance over sexuality. "The body is our doorway to salvation, and so how we treat it matters."

There are sections on chastity for singles, married couples, consecrated religious and priests, and a very helpful section on recovering the virtue of chastity after premature sexual activity. Then the letter ends with a presentation of a role model, St. Augustine, who had a longtime lover and fathered a child before his conversion. Also held up for emulation are Blessed Kateri, Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, and St. Gianna Beretta Molla.

It will be interesting to see how the letter is received by the young people to whom it is addressed, since it doesn’t speak the language of youth. It seeks to elevate the discussion to a level of maturity and presents the truth without apology. But maybe that’s what young people are looking for – a serious discussion on sex without the sugar coating, that is very obviously meant for their own good.

Read the pastoral letter on the CCCB website.

See a YouTube video presentation of the pastoral letter.

Reverend King

How old was Martin Luther King Jr. when he was shot down tragically in 1968? I was 10 years old when he was assassinated, and remember the day well, yet I was surprised today when I realized that Dr. King was only 39 when he died.

He was born Jan. 15, 1929, and was killed in Memphis, Tenn., on April 4, 1968. If still alive, he would just have celebrated his 81st birthday. It seems amazing to me that my father – who marked his 84th birthday on New Year’s Eve with a party at his nursing home bedside – is older than the great civil rights leader would have been.

I recall King as a wise and venerable figure on the TV news and the front pages of daily papers. Although young, I read his words, and knew that they made sense. Black people are equal and should be treated as such in law, and in the hearts of all Americans. Our nation betrayed the spirit of its founding and the dictates of the Christian religion by allowing slavery to persist under the Constitution. It took a Civil War to eradicate slavery, yet it took another century and a leader of peace to wrench segregation from the heart of America. Like so many men of peace throughout history, King was met with violent resistance and a violent death.

He seemed always a man not only older than his age, but wiser than his time. He won the Nobel Peace Prize at the age of 35. He trusted God and spoke in prophetic terms. He also trusted, in a qualified way, in the American people and the spirit of our nation’s founding. This trust allowed him to see a day when that spirit would overcome segregation, and allowed him to cite the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution in his great “I Have a Dream” speech during the March on Washington in 1963. It allowed him to conclude that prophetic speech by seeing a day:

“when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:  Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”

I picked up a children’s book yesterday at our local library about Martin Luther King and the Civil Rights Movement. I want my two grade school boys to know something about those days, and to know how important they are in our nation’s history, and in my own life.

As a father, I want them to be men of strength and conviction, yet men of peace, and not follow the way of the bully.

Time after Time - 1/11/11

If I believed in some sort of harmonic convergence in the universe, I would post this blog entry at 11:11 a.m. That would make the time stamp 11:11 on 1/11/11. I am sure bloggers all over the world are having fun with these numbers.

But I am not numerically inclined, and certainly not superstitious in this way. Still, I think even Catholics committed to Christ can find a lesson in the fact that the world is set up naturally to have these kind of diverting convergences of date and time. After all, God created the world and set in motion the sun, stars and planets, and mankind has discerned a pattern in these to organize his days.

We are not deists who think the great watchmaker has set the world in motion and gone away, leaving man to make the best of it all. We are Catholics who believe in the Incarnation, that God has come into his world as a man and staked his claim on this earth and in our lives. According to the Greek word used in John's Gospel, he has "set his tent" among us. A wonderful image for God dwelling with us.

So as we check our watches and cell phones today, waiting for 11:11 at morning and night, let's remember who put time in motion and brought us to this minute. Just as "every hair on our head" is counted, so God saw this time from all eternity, and he blesses us in it. How will we use this moment?

What’s Your Resolution?

2011 is a few days away. It is now time to settle down, take stock, and ask: where am I in relation to where I would like to be? Let’s consider a few points:

1. We can think about present and future finances – our ability as fathers to keep the domestic boat afloat and even prepare for our children’s college and our own retirement. The economy does not make this task easy for most of us, but we should have a plan to make the most of what we have.

2. We can consider the state of our marriage, how love has warmed or cooled over the years with my wife, how we get along and what we can do to make amends and a better, stronger union based on faith and "one flesh."

3. We can weigh our fatherhood, whether our kids are toddlers, youngsters, teens or adults. Think how you can do more to be involved in their lives, to give them the guidance and direction they need – not just at the crucial turning points in their lives, but on a regular basis – so they will turn to you when they have questions.

4. Then, of course, we can look at our faith as Catholic men. Do I, at the very least, pray each day and not only when I have troubles or losses in life? Do I thank God first of all for life, love and a new chance each morning to do the good on the road he has laid before me? Am I a man of faith, and am I known as a man of faith?

Each of these points can be the basis for a resolution for the New Year 2011. Think about them and write a few thoughts in the box below, to give form to your resolution and to give others some ideas to draw from.

The key to a good resolution is to make it simple yet substantive, challenging yet attainable through steady work and God’s abundant grace. "I will pray more" is good, but "I will pray a Morning Offering before I get out of bed" is better. Be specific, define the goal, and get going.

Happy New Year!

 

When to Tell About Santa?

All over the world there are kids having their hearts broken at this time of the year, as they discover a cache of wrapped gifts in the basement or closet, and their parents decide to tell them the truth about Santa Claus.

But that raises the question: When is the best time to let your children in on the secret? The answer will obviously vary from family to family, and even child to child. Yet the truth has to come out at some point - and as they say about sex - it's better your kids hear it from you than from peers in the schoolyard. There will be less chance of your little one feeling foolish and even betrayed by his parents. "Why didn't you tell me!"

You can offer your comments below, but here is my story.

I can honestly say that I never lied to my kids about Santa Claus. Now let me explain, before you accuse me of being like the misguided mom on "Miracle on 34th Street," who told her daughter that Santa was a myth. From the earliest years, my wife and I told our boys that Santa Claus was a nickname for St. Nicholas, who is now in heaven with God. As a saint, he is able to move around the world pretty quickly on December 24th and spread the Christmas spirit. When they got older and asked how St. Nicholas got down the chimney and knew what everyone wanted, we would simply say that God has a way of making every child happy on his own birthday. Jesus is really the one who gives the gifts.

OK, maybe we're a little legalistic and theologically scrupulous. But we come by it honestly. I distinctly remember, when my mother told me the truth about Santa Claus, that I felt I had been lied to. It took a while to get over, and I began wondering what else my parents had not been quite truthful about. Of course, my mom described it as a "white lie," meaning it was well-intended and harmless. But at 9 years old, I didn't see such distinctions.

So while I would not deny my children the joy of Santa and the hidden gifts, I also would spare them the shock of a "white lie." Thus, I told my 9 year old last summer because I didn't want him to be the only 5th grader who didn't know about Santa. I imagined I saw the "you lied to me" look in his eyes and I quickly explained that his mom and I had always told the truth about Santa and St. Nicholas. We never said he came down the chimney, and we always said it was by the love of Jesus that the gifts are delivered. My 6-year-old will hear the same story when he is 9 - if his brother doesn't tell him before then.

Are my kids better off for all my efforts at honesty? Maybe, maybe not. What do you think?

Write down your own "Secret Santa" story. What should we tell our kids, and when?