Fathers For Good

Talking Fatherhood on Mother Angelica's Network

Awe and joy -- these were the feelings I had upon entering the grounds of the Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN). What a wonderful thing Mother Angelica has wrought in Irondale, Alabama. The Catholic faith on the airwaves 24 hours a day, the Gospel message on TV screens, hearts and minds drawn closer to Christ, and converts made throughout the world, some of whom just chanced upon the cable station while searching for sports or cooking or maybe even porn.

There I was where it all started, where Mother Angelica put God's call into action, and did the unthinkable, what many wiser heads told her was impossible.

I was at EWTN with my colleague Patrick Kelly, Vice President for Public Policy for the Knights of Columbus, who oversees Fathers for Good, to appear live on the Thursday night show "Life on the Rock." It was my first time on TV, and what an introduction it was, indeed. Though everyone connected with the network was extremely helpful and pleasant, for me it was trial by fire.

Lights. Camera. Action. As Jackie Gleason used to say, "And away we go!" The lights were in my blinking eyes, the camera caught my nervousness and the action continued no matter what -- no "Take 2!" allowed, this was all live and on the record.

Fatherhood, the Knights of Columbus and Fathers for Good were the main topics. We talked through three 11-minute segments, and covered a wide field. I hope the audience got the message that, through this new initiative for men, the Knights want to take a leadership role in developing programs for fathers and their families, offering encouragement to men, taking on the secular culture and negative portrayals of fathers, and giving men the tools to improve on how they live as husbands and fathers.

As Patrick Kelly said, in the home there is no neutral ground. Either a father is leading his family toward virtue and heaven, or he is losing the battle for souls to the enemy, who comes in the guise of the media, peers, consumerism and secularism.

I wish to thank all the EWTN folks, especially hosts Doug Barry, who spent so much time with Patrick and me in preparation for the show, and Father Mark Mary. They were extremely gracious and led us in an excellent discussion of the topics. Thanks also to Jill Sanders, producer of "Life on the Rock," who was kind enough to invite us to the show and introduce us to the world of television.

The grounds of EWTN are holy -- probably the holiest place with a host of huge satellite dishes out back! It was an honor to spend two days there, and to share time with staff members and hosts. There is great good to be done through mass media, and it has taken a cloistered nun with an unshakable faith to show Catholics the way on the airwaves.

Alabama Here We Come!

Readers familiar with the Fathers for Good website know that I am preparing for a big appearance on EWTN's "Life on the Rock" show on Thursday, Dec. 3, to talk about the Knights of Columbus program called Fathers for Good. Make sure to visit www.fathersforgood.org to see the jazzy pop-up notice our web designers have produced.

Joining me on the show will be Patrick Kelly, Vice President for Public Policy for the K of C, who is in charge of the Fathers for Good initiative. Patrick and his wife, by the way, are expecting to deliver their first child in January 2010, and I hear that Patrick may be showing a sonogram of his unborn baby on the air! So tune in just for that, if nothing else.

We look forward to meeting with hosts Father Mark Mary and Doug Barry, and to discuss with them the issues of fatherhood, family life and the challenges to both in the modern culture. I've never done an hour live show before, so please pray that I do well!

Patrick and I will be landing in Birmingham, Alabama, on Thursday morning and will go live from the EWTN studio at 8 PM (Eastern).

This is the first time Fathers for Good will be going live on a worldwide broadcast, and it's exciting to think about our website drawing more and more readers in the days and weeks to come.

The Knights of Columbus has been a big supporter of Mother Angelica and her Eternal Word Television Network from the start, and we are proud to be able to spread the word of our new fatherhood initiative through her popular cable network.

In addition to appearing on the "Life on the Rock" show, we will get a tour of the EWTN headquarters, have an opportunity to meet with the staff, have dinner in the dining hall and sleep over Thursday night in one of the guest houses.

I will have a full report of the trip when I return over the weekend.

Meantime, go to www.fathersforgood.org after the show to watch a taped version, and refer it to your friends.

Thanks Be to Thee

Family, food and fellowship are the focus of Thanksgiving. It’s a time for traveling to grandma’s house, or visiting other relatives, or hosting friends and family members ourselves. It should also be a time for reflecting on what, exactly, we are thankful for.

We all know the story of the first Thanksgiving, with the Native Americans bringing lifesaving food to the Pilgrims and both reaching across a divide of culture and race to embrace each other’s common humanity and give thanks to God. This is the idealized version, at least, and it’s worth preserving because it’s worth pursuing.

Today, the trend is to empty our holidays of God and religion because, it is asserted, the diversity of faiths make it impossible to include everyone in one national celebration. Yet this is not the message of the first Thanksgiving. When the Pilgrims and Indians got together, the English prayed to the Christian God in Jesus Christ, and the first Americans presumably thanked their own gods. Yet no offense was taken. Their common human nature and the universal need for food, fellowship and worship were the bonds that united the two groups.

Of course, as Christians, the Pilgrims believed their faith to be true and superior to that of the Indians. And they would be totally justified in seeking to convert their dinner hosts through any means beside force. Yet there would be little chance for the dialogue of faith to take place without the recognition of a common humanity, and the gathering around a common table.

So on this Thanksgiving, let us gives thanks for our faith, and the freedom to practice it openly as Catholics. In our multicultural, religiously diverse America, let us resolve not to hide the great gift of Catholicism for fear of offending. Rather, let us, like the Pilgrims, pray openly, share our table willingly, and invite others freely into the great gift of the Catholic faith, which we are blessed to have received ourselves.

That is the American way.

 

Bishops Restate the Beauty of Marriage

The U.S. bishops are expected to give a thumbs-up to a new pastoral letter on marriage today during the USCCB’s Fall General Assembly in Baltimore. The letter is a high point of the National Pastoral Initiative on Marriage, instituted a few years ago to show the Church's care and concern for couples and families. One of the more popular programs of the Initiative is the “For Your Marriage” website, featuring a video that we have posted on the homepage of Fathers for Good.

The new pastoral letter is titled, “Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan.” It is designed to both inspire and teach. As the bishops state in the introduction, “Our pastoral letter is an invitation to discover, or perhaps to rediscover, the blessing given when God first established marriage as a natural institution and when Christ restored and elevated it as a sacramental sign of salvation.”

One thing you should not expect from the pastoral is a sort of “I feel your pain” approach. While the bishops acknowledge the problems many couples experience today in living out a faithful marriage, and remaining true to the teachings of the Church regarding contraception and indissolubility, they have chosen to present the sacrament of marriage in all its splendor and beauty.

They do this, I think, because they rightly assume that so many married couples – as well as young people contemplating marriage – have never heard the truths about marriage stated plainly in a single document. The first sentence of Part One may be an eye opener for many, and a healthy reminder for everyone:

“Marriage is a lifelong partnership of the whole of life, of mutual and exclusive fidelity, established by mutual consent between a man and a woman, and ordered towards the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring.”

Although this is the longstanding teaching of the Church, based on Scripture and centuries of tradition, every clause of that definition is opposed by modern culture, and many Catholics have been influenced by that culture. So the bishops do well to start from the very beginning, and set the terms and definitions of the discussion.

Let’s compare what the Church says to what our culture tells us today:

“lifelong partnership” – as long as the soul mates find fulfillment with one another

“exclusive fidelity” – nice ideal, but everyone’s human so don’t be judgmental

“between a man and a woman” – love makes a marriage whether it’s two men or two women

“procreation and education of offspring” – marriage and sex have nothing to do with children unless the spouses choose to have them, and there are many ways to conceive.

Of course, the pastoral letter will make headlines with its clear defense of marriage as only between a man and woman, and the old diatribes will be heard from the elite media against the bishops who would deny gay marriage and influence the political process.

“Progressive” Catholics will cringe at the strong statements about the “two ends or purposes of marriage,” which is ordered toward the good and mutual support of the spouses and the generation of offspring. The bishops make it clear that any form of contraception is absolutely forbidden because it introduces a barrier to true love and denies a sharing in the divine self-giving love that is found in the Holy Trinity, of which marriage is a symbol.

At 50 or so pages, the pastoral is a bit long, and parts of it may be a bit too theological or elevated for the average reader. But the bishops have done couples, and all Catholics, a great service by their very simple act of restating the basic teachings on love, marriage and family. As a husband and father, I say hooray!

For those who have ears to hear, this is a document that lifts up everything that is good and beautiful in the human heart. Those who seek to live according to this pastoral letter will find rich blessings amid the many trials of marriage in the modern world.

Thank You, Soldier!

The shocking killings at Fort Hood last week bring special meaning to Veterans Day this year (Nov. 11). With the slaying and wounding of soldiers on the Texas base, allegedly by a military doctor who sympathized with terrorists, we are reminded that our nation’s “veterans” are not only the old men who fought in wars long ago and far away. They are also men and women in our midst, who serve us bravely each day that we live in freedom in America.

It is time to say “Thank you, Soldier.” “Thank you, Sailor.”

I grew up during the turmoil and aftermath of the Vietnam years, when my older brother was mocked and spat at by adults while wearing his ROTC uniform on the way to school. It was trendy to be anti-war, but the larger part of the American people knew then, and still know now, that sometimes fighting is necessary. Even “peaceniks” have not wanted to live with the full effects of their pacifism, as they benefit from our country’s freedoms.

War is unavoidable when an enemy brings the battle to your shores, as in the events of 9/11.

Ideally, according to the just war teachings of the Catholic Church, war is an act of justice. It is waged to protect the innocent, defend nations, preserve civilization – to stop the unjust aggressor who will not respond to negotiation or pleas for peace.

But war is always a form of hell, for those who fight it and those who are caught in it. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church wisely states, “All citizens and all governments are obliged to work for the avoidance of war.” Yet “governments cannot be denied the right to lawful self-defense, once all peace efforts have failed.” (CCC 2308).

We live in difficult times for war. The destructive magnitude of our weapons, and the almost sure prospect that civilians will be killed in battle, should make a sane world proclaim with Pope Paul VI “war no more.” Yet sanity or common sense do not always prevail on the world stage. And some nations, acting in what they may see as a just cause with just means, endanger the citizens or sovereignty of other nations. The result is war. In this “vale of tears,” war is unavoidable and sometimes even predictable, so we better be prepared for it as a matter of justice and self-defense.

Thus, we have Veterans Day as a national holiday. This is a day of Remembrance for the sacrifices of those who went before us, from the time of the American Revolution to this day, when we mourn especially the victims of the Fort Hood massacre.

Take time to say "thank you" to the soldier or sailor in your life: your grandfather, your father, your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces or nephews, who may have served or are now serving in the military. As we learned from the events of last week, those who wear the uniform are targets these days, even on their own home bases. They sacrifice their safety when they sign up to serve. We who benefit from their efforts owe them a heartfelt salute.

My (Brief) Brush with Death

As the surgeon cut out the cancer cells on my face, the words of Ash Wednesday came to mind: “Remember, man, that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

Samuel Johnson famously said that nothing concentrates the mind as much as the prospect of one’s hanging. The same can be said when you hear the word “cancer,” even when it’s early stage and confined to a small spot near the right ear. “Squamous cell carcinoma” doesn’t sound any more soothing. Whatever words are used, there’s something growing slowly on my face that could eventually kill me.

After the nurse called with the results of the biopsy, I did what everyone does these days when receiving bad medical news. I went to the Internet and was served up more than 2 million sites, complete with totally nauseating photos of skin cancer at its worst. Well, I comforted myself, at least I don’t look that bad!

I decided then and there not to worry, and to pray, and to call for an appointment with the dermatological surgeon. I took it as a sign from God that just as the doctor’s secretary was telling me that there were no new appointments until January, a patient on the other line was cancelling an appointment he had the next business day. Without blinking, I said I’d take it.

So there I was, in the waiting room, with my supportive wife at my side, sitting among people who had ridiculous looking bandages on their noses, ears, foreheads and jaws. It was October 26th, but Halloween was coming early, I thought, amused that I would soon be joining the "Mohs" club.

The Mohs procedure involves cutting out the cancer cells and some extra skin, placing a temporary bandage on the wound while the skin specimen is examined under a microscope, and calling the patient back if cancer cells are found in the surrounding tissue. You can be called back two, three or four times, as some of the patients were the day I was there. All this surgery is done on a regular examining table, under local anesthesia, which doesn’t do wonders for the stomachs of the squeamish – or the “squamous.”

On the table, the right side of my face was filled with so much anesthesia that I didn’t even feel the numbness, my head was turned slightly from the surgeon, with a drape over my eyes so I couldn’t see the scalpel. I felt a light pressure and asked if the surgery had begun. “I’m almost done,” said the surgeon, a pleasant woman with an Indian accent.

A few minutes later, I sat in the waiting room, a big white gauze bandage on the side of my head, feeling decidedly older. Age had caught up with me, I ruminated. It was my first surgery, my first time under the knife. When I walked to the bathroom, for some reason I was limping, as though something more than a half-inch of facial skin had been removed.

“How deep is it?” I asked my wife, lifting the gauzy dressing. I was expecting a joke – looks like they hit the brain – but she was a bit somber and said, “Not bad.” A polite way of saying, “yuck.”

Well, the good news was that they got all the cancer cells on the first swipe. The bad news was that I needed stitches to close the wound. Back to the table, this time sitting up as in a dentist’s chair. More anesthesia, more cutting. The surgeon actually had to make the incision longer in order to apply stitches, so she cut about the length of my ear, and began to sew, all the time chatting with an intern about doctors I didn't know.

I tried to offer my sufferings, small as they were, for the souls in Purgatory, or for my children’s health, or for my wife. I tried to think of the lance piercing the side of Jesus, and blood and water – the saving waters of Baptism and the healing balm of the Eucharist – flowing forth for mankind. But all I could think of were the words of Ash Wednesday, about flesh and dust and the shortness of this life, as I limped from the table.

Report from the Flood

As the waters receded from Metro Manila they left something much more difficult to clear: mud. Just as the flood covered up to 80% of Manila as a result of Tropical Storm Ondoy (or Ketsana) on Sept. 26, so mud settled on about that same percentage of the capital city.

In the downtown and business areas, the mud was swept off by machines or shoveled by hired hands and was soon mostly gone. In the surrounding villages and communities, individual homes were more difficult to clean, and families faced the prospect of living in less than sanitary conditions or leaving their long-time homes and finding shelter elsewhere.

My wife’s family is in the latter category, fortunate in some ways that they at least have the option to move. For now, three generations are together, renting a large apartment outside the flood area, near the Jesuit university Ateneo de Manila.

My wife and I were also fortunate to be able to visit her family when my employer, the Knights of Columbus in New Haven, decided to send us to Manila to attend the K of C Luzon Convention, which had been scheduled for Oct. 10 long before the flood. I delivered a DVD with a video message from Supreme Knight Carl Anderson, who had visited the Philippines in 2005 to celebrate 100 years of the Knights of Columbus in the Asian country.

In his video message, Anderson expressed support and solidarity with the Filipino Knights and all the people of the Philippines after a destructive storm that has been compared to Hurricane Katrina. He reported that $50,000 had been sent immediately to the Philippine Bishops Conference, and $40,000 was soon after sent, to help with humanitarian relief efforts. He said that the Order in the Philippines has a proud history of charity that was especially evident after the flood. Knights who had suffered great losses themselves  banded together to pack bags of food for those who had even less. The theme of the Convention – “Neighbor Helping Neighbor: Service Together” – was exemplified by the rapid response of the Knights to those in dire need.

Luzon Deputy Alonso Tan declared at the Convention, “Alleluia, we are here and alive!” He knew that after so many Knights and their families had fled to the roof of their houses to escape the flood waters, simply to be at the Convention was a blessing.

I will have more on my trip to the Philippines in the days to come. Please continue to pray for the people of the Philippines. They have lost much in material goods, but their faith and spirit remain strong. Families are working together, living together, and helping one another recover. They have the treasures that only come from faith, family and a warm sense of humor.

(To see photos from Manila and to donate to the Knights of Columbus Philippine Disaster Relief Fund, please visit www.kofc.org.)

 

Pray for Philippine Flood Victims

My wife’s family in the Philippines was caught in the flash floods that hit the Manila area over the weekend. Their lives were saved by events that were nothing short of miraculous. I will recount here the amazing story one of my wife’s sisters told her by cell phone.

But first, let's all pray for the people of Manila and the surrounding areas. More than 240 are reported dead in the flood, thousands and thousands are homeless. A huge clean-up is beginning that will take weeks or months. Today is the feast of St. Lorenzo Ruiz, a Filipino martyr. Let's ask him to intercede for his people, who are enduring such suffering.

Tropical storm Ketsana hit the northern Philippines with little warning about the destruction it would wreak upon an area that is accustomed to violent weather. In 12 hours, about 17 inches of rain fell, which equals the average amount that falls in all of the September rainy season.

My wife’s mother and father live in the house in Marikina, a few miles east of Manila, where she grew up with her seven brothers and sisters. Living in the house with the parents at the time of the flood were a brother, his wife and their two teen sons; a sister and her 8-year-old daughter and a teen niece. My wife’s father is almost 80, with a spinal condition that makes mobility difficult.

Living a block from the river, they had seen floods before, the worst bringing some 8 feet of water into the house. With Ketsana, however, the water rose to 20 feet, forcing my in-laws to the second floor bedrooms, then onto a pitched roof.

Cell Phone Updates

It was a frantic struggle, and my wife and I heard bits and pieces by a cell phone relay as it was happening. Her sister who was in the house called her brother, who was safe in a higher suburb of Manila, with regular updates. Her brother started calling my wife at 2 a.m., Connecticut time (2 p.m. Saturday, Manila time).

First, the water was up to the twelfth step of the stairs leading to the second floor. That was one step above the highest previous flood, but still no cause to panic. In the next call we heard that the water was ankle deep on the second floor and rising quickly. Then it was knee deep, then belly deep. Those in the house were looking for something for my father-in-law to float on so they could get him to the roof. They got hammers to knock out the windows and bend the safety bars that were meant to keep out robbers. The water was just about to come in the window when they were preparing to climb out. They were praying more fervently than ever.

A Miracle of Prayer

My sister-in-law later told my wife that they felt the presence of Jesus as they prayed, and when they looked out the window, they saw a long, sturdy rope floating by. They grabbed the rope, thinking it would help them get to the roof. Then they saw a bunch of bamboo poles floating by. They were able to gather about 30 of them, and lash them together to build a makeshift raft. They put my father-in-law on the raft.

They decided to set out for a neighbor’s house, which was on a bit higher ground. Once again, the raft was a lifesaver. The two best swimmers pushed my father-in-law on the raft across the backyard to the next house. They returned to get my mother-in-law, and all the others, one by one. Amazingly, the hastily constructed raft stayed together the whole time.

Once everyone was safely across, my wife’s family and the elderly neighbors were then forced to the roof of that house, braving high winds and slashing rain for hours until the waters began to recede, gradually.

The miracle of prayer saved my wife’s family. We figured out that just about the time they were gathering the parts of the raft, my wife and I were praying the rosary at 2:30 in the morning, our time. We prayed specifically for a boat, or a raft or a helicopter to come to their rescue.

God is good. Let us continue to pray.

The 'Woo' Heard Round the World

(On October 1, we will mark 30 years since Pope John Paul II made his first apostolic visit to the United States.)

It was 30 years ago today … John Paul II taught America to pray.

What I remember best from his first trip to the United States as Pope was not a prayer, or even a huge outdoor Mass. Rather, it was a “woo!” Those attending the Pope’s meeting with young people in New York’s Madison Square Garden – and those, like me, watching on TV – will never forget.

High schoolers, most dressed better than they would for Sunday Mass – the boys with the 70s Sonny Bono look, the girls appearing as one of the Partridge Family females – were packed into the Garden, with JP II at center stage, where rock stars performed.

Today’s 20-something Catholics have to understand and the rest of us need to remember what a sensation this event was. Here was the Pope – young, strong, masculine and smiling, in the midst of an arena of New York teens. We had just been through a decade of post-Vatican II confusion and the deaths of two popes in 1978, and here was this vibrant, white-clad figure with a face that showed the sufferings of the century as well as the new life in the Church he came to lead. 

Selected teens had spoken of their lives and concerns, and presented the Pope with gifts, and all were ready to hear him speak. He paused, played on their anticipation. They screamed, shouted loving words and were ready to jump to their feet on cue. Then came the “woo!” Not just “woo!” but “ooh,” and a strange, guttural “hmmm”.

He sat in his chair, microphone positioned to catch his every word, English script in his hand, and spent two minutes making noises from the depths of his heart, as if to tell the teens and all Americans that mere words could not express his love, his hope, his joy, his utter amazement at the grace of God and the beauty of youthful faith. “Woo, woo, woo, woo …” he intoned. (You can see the moments on YouTube.)

My brother and I watched the TV, amazed. We had gone through eight years of New York City parochial school and graduated from Catholic high school, yet we had never heard anything like this.

I turned to my brother and said, “We have a Pope who says woo.”

That single moment set us back on the road to faith, to prayer and regular attendance at Mass. This man “from a far place” had touched us through the mass media that he loved, with the simple “groaning of the Spirit” that seemed to gather up all the confusion, hurt, missteps and sins of our early adulthood and offer them to a merciful God who could smile and tease his children. A 20-year-old in 1979 could feel pretty world-weary and cynical of religion. Yet John Paul told us to walk together with him and ask the deep questions we wanted to ask and find the surprising answers we were aching to embrace.

In him I saw Christ. Not Christ the Protector of my childhood that I had self-consciously left behind, but Christ the Adventurer, the Worker, the Warrior, ready to take on the world with great strength and a sense of humor. The Catholic faith was alive, and I was drawn to it anew.

We had a Pope who said woo!

(What moments do you recall? Please write in your own remembrances of the Pope’s historic visit.)

 

Only the Lonely - Final Reflection

Loneliness is not inevitable. It is not coded into a person’s genes or the result of fate. To a great degree, it is the result of a person’s choices and stems from one’s expectations for companionship. No one can avoid loneliness all of the time, but there is much that a lonely person can do to move out of that state.

 

An older female friend of mine whose children are grown and who lives alone showed little patience after reading my last blog. Just tell them that if they’re lonely, it’s their own fault. Tell them to volunteer for something, meet people, make friends, help people in need, she suggested. You can’t sit by the phone waiting for it to ring; you have to call a friend to dinner, she added.

 

There’s much wisdom in this, and it is clear that it works for my friend, whose routine of work, volunteerism and socializing keeps a smile on her face at all times.

 

Yet research shows that even busy people, even married people, can be lonely. A full calendar and many friends are no guarantee against loneliness. The issue is, at root, psychological – by which I mean pertaining to the soul (the root word for "psychology" means “soul”.)

 

“My God, why have you abandoned me?” was the cry of Christ from the cross. Putting aside some of the deeper theological problems of how the Second Person of the Trinity can be separated from God, it is helpful to remember that even Jesus felt abandoned, at least in his human nature. It is also good to consider how he resolved this sense of loneliness. “Into your hands, Lord, I commend my Spirit.”

 

Even when he felt no consolation from his Father, Jesus trusted, and offered himself into his Father’s hands.

 

Trust.  To enter into a deep and meaningful relationship with another, we must trust. We should not trust that a person will never hurt us – two people in close friendship will almost surely hurt one another at times. Trust means the willingness to suffer occasional pain and still persist in friendship.

 

Such trust is also the basis of love, something deeper: the willingness to offer one’s very self into the hands of another. Love is the ultimate sacrifice of self for another, the “new commandment” that Jesus gave his disciples.

 

Neither trust nor love is possible without forgiveness. Because we are human and hurt others and are hurt by them, we must be willing to forgive and to be forgiven. The latter is as important as the former. Many people are quick to forgive the hurts they suffer from others, imagining themselves large hearted. Yet they are slower to ask forgiveness for the wrongs they have done. In the Our Father, Jesus instructs us to ask for forgiveness (“forgive us our trespasses”) in the same measure that we forgive others (“as we forgive those who trespass against us”).

 

Trust. Love. Forgiveness.

 

If we truly exercise these virtues, these strengths of character and soul, loneliness will never be a companion for long. What’s more, we will be well on the road to heaven.